Tuesday, 13 August 2013

The Truth Of It.

I was on the phone today, and Ladybug was swatting the handset, then turning around so that if I kept talking, I would be eating tail fur. It brought to mind some rules a friend gave me years ago. I don't know who wrote it, but it is all true.

Rules for cats who have a house to run.


Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.


If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.


Always accompany guests to the bathroom.( see Rule 1.) It is not necessary to do anything--just sit and stare.


If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as "hampering".
The following are the rules for "helping"

    a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and
        thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
    b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and book, unless you can
        lie across the book itself.
    c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as
        to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but
        every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
        distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needle-
        point projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
    d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards
        (annual activity), keep in mind the aim----To help! First sit on the paper being worked
        When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds
        nicely, roll
        around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed
        for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
    e) When a human is holding a newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back
        of the paper. They love to jump.


As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
    a) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
    b) In the dark; and
    c) When they first get up in the morning.

This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.


Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two ( or more) of you, bookend the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.


  1. Hey - you've been watching my cats !!

    This is seriously funny, but only cat owners will truly appreciate it.
    Thank you for posting and giving me a laugh !

  2. My cats have clearly read and internalised these rules. - so so true! xxxx

  3. I couldn't stop laughing! So very true. We don't have a cat but we've known plenty of cats who follow this guidance very carefully - including Katie from three doors up who sometimes sneaks into our house and launches straight into the maximum-nuisance strategy.

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  5. should pass this onto our daughter as she will no doubt agree with them all.